I’m taking a weekend trip to Las Vegas today and so excited about the opportunity to dress up, gamble a little and have a good time. But it’s always a downer to see kids in Las Vegas. Can parents out there tell me why you bring your kids to Sin City? I get the difficulty of finding a babysitter. But Las Vegas is a plane ride away. Not a trip to Chili’s. I know there’s places like Circus Circus that cater to kids but who wants to bring their child with them to a casino? What do you say to your kids about the couples in the cabanas rubbing on each other? “Mommy, why is that man touching that girl’s bottom?” Or the drunk guys with a yard stick in one hand, gripping an easy ride escalator. I’ve seen people lay down and pass out on those things! And the stripper flyers everywhere not to mention the strippers, call girls, show girls etc. They have places like Disney World for kids. Not Las Vegas. That’s for big people. That’s for mommies and daddies to get away and have fun. I don’t get it, but don’t give me a dirty look if I walk over your child to get to slot machine.

Mommy and Me groups are popular meetup locations. For many moms (and a few dads), a support group help you vent concerns and learn or get advice from other mothers. But as one new mother atMomLogic found out, not all mammas are as accepting and helpful as you think, “In the first class, we went around the room introducing ourselves and shared what brought us to the group. Up first, I figured I might as well be honest — so I told the mom strangers that my husband and I weren’t getting along, the baby wasn’t sleeping, I’d had to stop breastfeeding and that I felt like the most unsexy person ever. One mom interrupted and said, “You’re not breastfeeding anymore? Ugh. WHY?” Another then said, “You’re going back to work? Already?” Yet another chimed in, laughing, “I hope you have childcare for your kid, ’cause you’re not going to get in a day-care around here, they’re full!” The new mom concluded this wasn’t the place for her, “Needless to say, no one else was really honest. It’s hard for me to believe you’re just in a class because you’re “bored at home,” or because you were just “looking for a social hour” or “something fun to do” — which is what most of them said. It’s hard to believe you’ve somehow squeezed into your skinny jeans again and your baby is happily sucking on your boob and sleeping through the night at just a few weeks old. It’s hard to hear that you and your husband have date-night once a week and that you have a night nurse watching over your baby so you can sleep.”

I hope not all Mommy and Me or Mother’s Day Out or any other group is like that. I’d be very discouraged as a woman and a mother if other people implied I wasn’t good enough. My mom never attended these groups. She did what other mothers and fathers back in the day–the 80s–did. She took us to a park or event and talked to parents. There weren’t play dates or scheduled get together times. We just went to a neighbor’s house and said, “Hey, is Sally home?” and that was it. I don’t know why it’s so complicated now with indoor gyms and play locations. What happened to monkey bars in the back yard and mud pies? I never had a scheduled play date, my mother was my “mommy and me” and I think I’m fine.

We’ve all been there at the “meltdown” moment when a toddler child just won’t have it anymore and screams, kicks, and throws a public fit. Many of us are the innocent bystanders stuck in the plane seat in front of the child who won’t stop kicking the back of our seat. Or the diners whose meal is ruined by a whining three-year-old bored at a  big people restaurant. Or Wal Mart aisles where a child’s flailing body blocks your shopping cart.  Southwest Airlines recently deplaned a mother and a screaming toddler after the child refused to be consoled and caused such a ruckus that the crew taxied back to the airport and kicked the pair off. Southwest later gave the mother $300 and an apology. But columnist Jacquielynn Floyd was harangued by angry parents upset with a recent column, “Don’t Ask Me to Help You Parent.” Floyd had an incident with a 5-year-old and a mom who wanted to make a grocery store incident a ‘teaching moment”. The mother wanted the child to apologize to Floyd and expected Floyd to stand there while the child was being disciplined. The child didn’t apologize and Floyd walked off. Mom was pissed at Floyd who later wrote, “I promise I won’t try to discipline your kid. But here’s your end of the deal: Kindly don’t expect me to help you parent.” Lake Highlands blogger Carol Toler was criticized for a blog post about a much needed adult dinner interrupted by children, “It’s not exactly the French Room, but is the Mico bar really the best choice for screaming toddlers lugging their coloring books and their superhero figurines?” For the record, it’s not just parents vs. non-parents. Even parents with children are irritated by bad behavior and fits that ruin peaceful dinners, restaurants and plane rides. Before I get labeled a kid-hater too, let me explain. First, Southwest was right to remove the child. If mom and dad couldn’t handle the 2-year-old they shouldn’t subject an entire plane and the child to a tortuous trip. Maybe deplaning and calming down and catching another flight would calm the situation down. When I was a bad child, my parents threatened to leave the store with me in tow. Mom would abandon the shopping cart with no qualms and then I knew I was gonna get it. Second, I don’t think Floyd was wrong to be upset at the grocery store. Innocent people in the path of a bad child aren’t required to assist a parent. And Carol’s dinner may have been ruined, but I’m not about to ban kids from restaurants. Because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you have to relegate yourself to McDonald’s. If Carol had a problem, she should have directed it to the manager. I’m not a parent but I’ve been a teacher for years. I started teaching toddlers. I’ve seen fits, I’ve been kicked, hit, spit at, cussed and once a 3-year-old flipped me off. I think there needs to be just a little more tolerance on the part of non-parents and parents. Floyd was in a packed store around Thanksgiving at a busy time. How did she think children were going to behave? If anything, I think people are children ignorant. I see a pack of kids at Christmas time, I go the other way. I know they’re excited and I expect a certain amount of kid-like behavior. Like screaming and jumping and, “I want this!” WE did the same thing as kids. And don’t think your child isn’t like that. I had SO many parents who swore their child was an angel but the minute mom looked the other way their precious darling became a devil in a diaper. And kids aren’t the enemy. Carol may not have liked a troublesome toddler but I can’t stand adults who talk on their cell phone at dinner, who get drunk or fight at a restaurant. Talk about bad behavior! Lastly, and I think most importantly, it’s OK to correct a child that is not yours.  There. I said it. Parents can hate me later but your children learn behavior from a community of people inlcuding parents, teachers and strangers. It’s about how you do it. At Halloween, I had to use my “teacher voice” to address a group of unruly 20 somethings interrupting my class–finger pointed addressing the main culprit, loud and in a firm voice I addressed the group, embarrased them a little I’m sure, but they moved on. If a kid smacked into me, I wouldn’t even think about turning around and asking the child firmly but politely, “Watch where you’re going kiddo!” I would never strike your child, but in a public place I have the right to address a child that is addressing, harassing or bothering me. Kicking and screaming, I happily ignore and reach around, step over or side step with a, “Goodness you seem upset!” Older kids get addressed differently, “Ladies, can I get by?” to a pack of teen girls. “Gentlemen, would you mind reaching that box up there?” to tween boys blocking my way. You don’t have to hate kids or get pissy at parents just learn to be a firmer adult to not be afraid of confrontation with a person half your size!  Stop acting like a victim and get out of your plane seat, move one table or booth over or turn around and address the problem not passive aggresively whine about it on a column or blog. <–pot calling kettle black I know (but at least I act too).

Interesting topic by Kimberly Seals Allers on Momlogic.com about Strong Black Woman Syndrome and the damage it does to children.  Writes Allers, “I too was caught in the Strong Black Woman Syndrome when my husband left my family two years ago. I too thought I was doing what was best for my children by putting on a strong front. By telling them I was fine, when I was really crying my eyes out every time they turned their heads. I told them, “We’ll be just fine,” even when I had no clue how I would maintain, having recently left my six-figure job to launch my dream business…I realized that I didn’t want my son to think that a man walks away from his family and all is “fine.” I didn’t want him to ever even consider that there is no impact when a husband or father abandons his responsibilities. And even when a father is still present and involved, we women grieve the loss… And then it occurred to me that perhaps, just perhaps, black women across the country are doing themselves and our future generations more harm than good with our strong front-itis.” Continues Allers, “Are we shooting ourselves in the foot and damaging our families with our strength? What happens when a generation of young black boys and girls are raised by women who lead them to believe there is no consequence to fatherless families?”  Hmm. That’s a tough thing for any mother to go through. How do you balance strength and responsibility while helping your child understand that a father’s absence is hurtful while at the same time not letting your child think that as a single mom you can’t make it without a man. Being “a strong, independent woman” is sometimes admitting that you are weak, you need help, it’s not easy (and talking about how it’s going to change the family and the need to work together), you don’t like it and you want better for your kids. That doesn’t mean dissing the absentee father, but I think it also means laying out expectations of how a father should act, what his role should be and letting your child also express what they think their father’s role should be. And getting those needs filled even if it means you learn to really love your son’s favorite soccer team, or get your kids enrolled in mentoring programs, or involve male uncles, cousins or church members.  I think the focus needs to be less on “strong” moms and “weak” dads and more on healthy families.

Today, contributor Lorrie Irby Jackson talks about the “slap heard round the world”. And 61-year-old Roger Stephens, the Georgia grump that slapped a toddler in front of her mother at Wal Mart.” If you don’t shut that baby up, I will shut her up for you,” Stephens warned the mother before whacking the child four or five times across the face.  Writes Jackson, “if Stephens or any individual put a finger to my three kids. But I understand the annoyance at parents who seem to have no interest in teaching their little darlings how to behave in public. Though one survey indicated some 90 percent of parents spank their toddlers.”
Growing up, spanking was a way of life for me. It was biblical. I remember hearing, “spare the rod spoil the child.” And eating soap in my mouth. And some of us grew up in spanking neighborhoods. If you messed up, neighbors and family had the right to wack you one. But now, time out, reflection rooms, quiet areas etc. are used to substitute the belt, whip, switch, shoe, fly swatter or hand. I absolutely hated being spanked. It was awful. I didn’t get it that much but my brother did. And I remember hearing my parents say this hurts me more than it hurts you. Yeah right! But is what Stephens did–hitting a stranger’s child–wrong? Did he over step his bounds or just do what every annoyed shopper in Wal Mart wants to do with unruly, unmanaged children. What do you think? Will you be a spanker? I’d like to not have to strike my child to parent, but I don’t think it’s wrong. A swat on the backside, a slap on the hand or backside can have way more effect than a 1-2-when I get to 3 you’re in big trouble.