Momma Ruth and Me Circa 1984.

What’s the best advice your mom ever gave you? That’s kind of hard to say. My mother Ruth has never been a woman to mince her words. Phrases like “I don’t chew my cabbage twice,” and “I’ll give you something to cry about,” were common in our household. She has always meant business, was never one to put an “I love you” note in my lunch box and never once drove back to school to hand me homework I forgot in my room. So when DFW.com asked me to submit my favorite piece of mom advice I really had to think. I told DFW.com about one piece of advice that really stuck, “When I was dating my now husband, I had a hard time with our religious and cultural differences. He’s an Arab Muslim. I’m an American Christian. So I called my mother for advice — something I never normally do. This was her opportunity to read me the Southern Baptist riot act. She said, very simply, “Joanna, God puts people in our lives for a reason.” To this day, she has treated my husband with respect and kindness, and I love her for that.” But at the time I was floored. Who is this person? This same woman once emailed me a birthday greeting in college that read, “Happy Birthday. Pay your car insurance. Love Mom and Dad.” My mom also had other nuggets of wisdow I still remember.

Raised by a Dutch grandmother in a strong Catholic farming community, my mother is a stickler for propriety. I still don’t wear white shoes after Labor Day because of her. I always want a new Easter dress and never climb monkey bars without shorts because boys will try to look up my skirt. Before mandatory church most Sundays, I had to find length appropriate dresses, white fluffy socks and “always wear a slip.” Even now it still feels weird in the slip section of the store with women my mother’s age pawing through racks looking for a beige or black under garment. But when I wear knee length and calf length dresses out, that silk lining between me and the rest of the world is a reminder that I’m a lady. And ladies wear slips. Thanks mom! Happy Mother’s Day and I promise I won’t forget to call this year!

Today, I felt my uterus drop. That’s the best way to describe the feeling inside when a student brought in her child to class. He was so cute and small and something inside of me reacted. I almost had to sit down the feeling was so strong  like a scene straight out of My Cousin Vinny when Marisa Tomei stomps her feet on the ground and screams, “My biological clock is tick-in’ like this!” She was right. I’m not in love with the idea of motherhood but my body is reacting to it because my mind is more open to the idea of a child. That happens when you round a certain age. And I’ve got a milestone birthday coming up and suddenly time, and health and wants start taking a new perspective. I’m not ready to kick in an back up plan just yet, but the truth is biologically some women (I think all women) react to certain things like babies. Now, that’s not to say I’m all in a baby craze. I’m very Miranda in my outlook on a child–I don’t like the gushy stuff. Still, it was shocking to have such a strong reaction. It came out of nowhere! And yet I’m glad I reacted positively and not with revulsion like I used to do.

The Dallas Observer’s piece Moms Gone Wired by Alice Laussade is one more reminder of why I am glad this in NOT a mommy blog. Laussade talks about the power of mommy bloggers who Nielsen categorizes as: Savvy Spenders, Mom Approved, Queen Bees, Mamastes, Tech Moms, and CEO Moms. I think it would have been more interesting to talk about just how many mommy blogs are in DFW, how they differ from other blogs, what their content is like, how powerful they are etc. But Lasussade dedicates most of her piece to Utah resident  Heather Armstrong of dooce.com who she says, ”stands out because she doesn’t say that parenting is pretty and she drops the occasional F-bomb,” and had her own hate site, “Just straight mean stuff like, “Your kid’s ugly,” and “You’re a horrible mom.” Gads. Armstrong has been all over TV and has a new gig with HGTV. I had no idea who she was when she appeared in a promo. Laussade said as a new mom she felt a bit lost and, “needed information from moms who were in the trenches right now, rock-star moms who were currently succeeding at the task of keeping baby happy.” So she turned to the blogosphere for help. But my beef with mommy blogs is that you either have to be expecting or have a kid to participate. I’m neither but I have things to say! And as a teacher, I don’t have to have a child to know some things about children’s behavior and parenting. And in this city at least, all women have to choose from in the blogosphere of female friendly content are mommy blogs or wedding, shopping and decor chat. I have heard from lots of “rock star moms” fed up with only reading about diaper specials and the importance of one washing machine over another. They’re starved for content NOT about their kids. The inquisitive part of your female brain doesn’t shut off when you cervix expands. And I purposely founded a blog that was not centered on moms. Because I believe women aspire to alot of things including motherhood not just motherhood. Lots of our readers are moms, our contributors are moms, and that’s great. But frankly, alot of the content on sites like Momlogic.com is ridiculous sometimes–they do allow women without children to creep on the site but they’re labled fun things like The Childless Bitch. In the blogosphere, there are some real bitches out there. And maybe I’m one of them too. But I’m proud to bring to this blog informed, opinionated, pieces and writers. I do this with knowledge (as a writer, journalist) and study (I researched before starting and continue to find ways to improve, reach new audiences). Not just luck and sponsorship from some shampoo company though I’m open to making a profit from Pantene! (Psst. Call me.) And as a warning to mommy bloggers out there, your time on the web is ticking as your kids grow older, as more younger, cooler more funky moms are willing to drop more F-bombs and label themselves  fun things like breastfeedinginpublickissmyassmom.com take over your server space. The Heather Armstrong’s of the web are few and far between. Yes, beware mommy bloggers. Your foundation of readers–like all bloggers–are fickle and unfaithful. Build your blog upon the rock of women not the sands of motherhood!

In response to Thursday’s post “You Are Not a Bad Mother if You Used an Epidural,” Dr.  Margaret Christensen, owner of the Christensen Center for Whole Life Health and co-author of the book,  Birthing a Better Way 12 Secrets for Natural Childbirth, writes, “These are stories to help support other women who desire to have unmedicated births- there is a lot more involved than just the decision for “what’s best for the baby.” What we are advocating is that women make conscious, informed choices. 

Many of these women had their first babies with epidurals/drugs and felt very disempowered/unsatisfied with their experiences and intuitively felt something was missing–a big piece was all the information not normally given women.  Women out there who don’t want intervention need greater resources to support them in their decision- that doesn’t mean they can’t change their minds.

Dr. Margaret Christensen

I always support women in whatever they choose- I just want them to fully understand the implications from an insiders point of view.   We are certainly not accusing mother’s of being “drug addicts” nor are advocating “blowing through your vagina“.  I am the one telling those who have been laboring for hours and hours with no progress, or are being transported from out of hospital settings that it is time for intervention. 

However, if your sole resource for what to do with your pregnancy comes from what’s on TV and the Baby Story show, or books like What to Expect When Your Expecting, then you are sorely under-educated and misinformed. So much of it reminds me of sensationalized news broadcasts,  (and like our training) is skewed towards interventions and overdramatized for ratings (and advertising/publishing supported by the pharmaceutical industry).  A woman having a very quiet, peaceful, uncomplicated birth is pretty long and boring. Knowing you’re on camera for a national audience, and a camera crew tromping around would have the same impact on labor’s progress and pain as having a mother-in-law you can’t stand being present.

What I hear when I read your blog is a great deal of fear based knowledge -we just wanted to present another point of view than typically given through conventional media or conventional medical practice. This view, from many women’s voices, includes five obstetricians, who made an educated and conscious choice, and who believed in the power and grace of their bodies, ” Dr. Christensen, a mother of four, concludes.

One of the great things about having a girl blog is that you can say things and invite others to respond. I’m glad Dr. Christensen did. It’s true. What I do know about pregnancy comes from a lot of TV–and crazy pregnant ladies make great TV–but as a woman who is considering pregnancy in the coming months, it’s an easy resource for me. Even moms I know differ so much in their birthing and mothering philosophies it’s often more frustrating or confusing getting multiple opinions.  Frankly, the pressure I’m feeling about having a child is not helping at all.  My biological clock is ticking and family suggestions and comments about “how’s it going” or “do you have one yet” or one family friend who keeps telling me to get a bambino” because they make a great tax write off” aren’t helping. Fear about pregnancy is normal I think and unfortunately,  TV shows, books, dramas always make that fear more profound for men and women! And to be honest, I’ve never really looked forward to pregnancy. But at least women now have way more options than they did before and we can make choices about how we want our pregnancy to be. And I’m glad I can do that for myself and my future child.  And I’ll make mine one day…soon…maybe…next year…but don’t look for my mug on A Baby Story! I will not subject America to my insanity or the site of my child’s head coming from my blurred out nether regions. That’s just gross.

Fort Worth Child magazine has a very interesting article on the Labor of Love, a look into surrogacy from a North Texas perspective. The author speaks to two local surrogacy agencies, Joie De Vie in Frisco and Simple Surrogacy, and others who say surrogacy is not about making money. “I think surrogates are special women who love to be pregnant,” said attorney Carla Calabrese who helps arranged surrogates. “They’re do-gooders, and they’re very classy people.” But in case you’re wondering how much a surrogate does make (I know I am),  ”First-time Joie de Vie surrogates receive $18,000 to $20,000 and repeat surrogates slightly more. Additionally, there are monthly payments, dubbed “child-support payments,” that cover expenses like prenatal vitamins.”  But the author writes, “One of the problems with surrogacy is the possibility of a swindle, particularly for couples working directly with the surrogate without an intermediary. Surrogacy arrangements can typically cost the parents from $60,000 to $85,000 in total, and if a surrogate met on the Internet disappears into the ether, that’s a big loss.” Ya think? And it’s not all moolah and motherhood. Surrogates go through the ugly side of pregnancy with illness, sometimes forced bed rest and in some cases there are miscarriages and birth defects. And the rights of the surrogate and paying parents can vary, “Texas is a surrogate-friendly state, however. Under Texas law, the intended parents’ names go directly on the birth certificate. There is no adoption procedure, and the gestational carrier has no legal claim to the child. This protection applies only to married parents, however, cautions Calabrese. Single parents and gay couples are still not covered under the law, so it’s doubly important for these hopeful parents to work with legitimate agents,” the author writes.  I don’t know. I get the obsession with having a “blood child” and baby hungry parents who can afford to rent a womb in the name of love. But there’s something so unnatural about being able to skip infertility and get what kind of a child you want, when you want, how you want. What happened to nature? With the idea that for some people not everything is possible? Now we don’t have to abide by any rules. We just buy things.  Buy women, buy a uterus, buy embryos and select the ones that are boys or girls, with blue eyes or brown. I know it’s painful for a couple to not be able to have a child, but sometimes we must accept what is not meant for us. Or even consider adoption. A much less expensive effort.

It’s a question we’ve asked before on this blog before and one that got contributor Lorrie Irby Jackson to thinking. In her piece on the homepage today, she answers the question with a resounding no. After a divorce from her first husband, Jackson said, “I needed life to be as drama-free as possible to show [my son] that parents could still love and care for him even from separate addresses, and most of all, I had to prove to him with my actions that instead of languishing as part of a couple, it was better for me to struggle on my own. It was scary having to start all over again, and I didn’t relish being one of the 70% of African-American women rearing their children as an unmarried woman, but if any reality was worse than that, it would’ve been knowingly modeling a dissatisfying and dysfunctional relationship for him to fall into as an adult for another generation to endure. I simply couldn’t let that happen.” Read more here.

Contributor Joyce Coody Smits writes about a species of women known as, “Bitter Mom – an alarming specimen who seems to be turning up more and more often in the Petri dish of Parentville.” Smits says there are different types of Bitter Moms: those who’ve found their “modern” husbands reverting to traditional roles after kids; those who want to be stay-at-home moms but can’t afford to; and super moms keeping it all together but cracking apart in their marriages or in public, “I concluded that occasional frustrations and irritations are simply the price you pay for the pure joy that comes with being a mother, and that a tough or unexpected road does not necessarily cause a parent to become negativity personified. On the contrary, many mothers and fathers find themselves in situations they didn’t choose or didn’t want, and find a way to “get right” with their circumstances,” writes Smits. But Bittermomdom is hardly spoken of. In fact, I couldn’t find a picture to go with the story. I dug up angry mom instead.  Type in “bitter mom” into a search engine and see what you get? That’s because being a mom is “wonderful” and “the best” and “a blessing” or a “miracle”. No wonder moms who feel overwhelmed or even a tad psychotic keep it quiet. You aren’t allowed to be a bitter mother. To feel a little bit like Betty Draper or other mothers will judge you as selfish or unfit. Instead, you keep your bitter moments quiet. Your selfish instincts inside. I’m not advocating bitter motherhood, but there needs to be some awareness out there. Bitter moms do exist. Like bitter singles and bitter ex-wives. That’s not to say we need to remain sour pussed cows that make our loved ones miserable, but the occassional bitter party with mojitos happens to the best of moms.