They look at you. They look at your kid. They ask the question, “Are you the nanny?” It happens on playgrounds, in elevators, in awkward sidewalk moments. A woman looks at you and determines a) you are not the same race as this child so you must be the help or b) you are a minority “in this neighborhood” and by default it means nanny. I’d never really heard of this happening before I went to the Mayborn Literary Nonfiction Conference when one of my group members, a Mexican mother, submitted an essay about her experience moving to Dallas with a bi-racial child (half white, half Mexican). She wasn’t called a nanny. Her husband was asked by a kind neighbor if the woman in his house was the help. “No,” he replied. “That’s my wife.”

On Tuesday’s “Tell Me More” show with Michel Martin on NPR, moms discussed the difficulty of being confused for the help. Mom Nicole Blades, a black woman with a white husband, has been asked the same question again and again in her supposedly diverse New Jersey neighborhood, “Is that your baby?” Other moms have been posed the same question in equally offensive ways Blades wrote in a recent New York Times essay:

… on the playground: “Are you working part-time for this family? Because we’re looking for a new nanny and you’re so loving with her.”

… at the school’s front gate: “You’re one of the most prompt babysitter’s I’ve met. That must be such a relief to her mom.”

… at the market: “Please tell his mom that this little cutie is so well-behaved.”

"She's My Mommy, Not My Nanny"

“He is my son. And so, to be asked if my son is my son simply because the color of his skin is shades lighter than mine, hurts. It hurts my feelings and, in some ways, it hurts my spirit,” wrote Blades who said instead of painful acceptance or anger at those asking if her child is hers she wants to turn the tables and ask the inquirer, “I’m curious, why did you ask me that?” But for mothers like Jamila Bey, who is also in a mixed marriage, “to have someone come up to me and say, oh, you are so loving with him, do you need more hours? On the one hand its like, of course I’m loving because this is my child. This baby has my blood and my flesh. There’s the intellectual part of it that goes, do you know how much education I have? And all of that assumption of the struggle that my family has gone through to educate their daughters, all of that is negated.” And Nandini D’Souza, an Indian-American born mother with a very white mixed baby found out, “I began to believe that every person who ignored my attempt at conversation must think that I’m the nanny, therefore a snob I don’t want my child around,” D’Souza wrote for Harper’s Bazaar. “Ironically, the nannies shied away from me too, knowing I was the mom. I started to think that there was something wrong with me and that I was some sort of playground pariah.”

At her blog “I’m Not the Nanny,” one DC Metro mom discusses life in a bi-racial household as a white mom with mixed children, “as the mom of biracial children, I’ve been mistaken for the nanny, depending on which DC Metro park I visit.” Misjudgment cuts both ways. And I’m just as guilty as the next. I’ve seen some Hispanic mothers pushing fancy strollers in snooty parks and I almost always assume they are nannies. But then I wonder what people will think of me when I have children and take my mixed babies around town with me. Will they assume, as I do, she must be the nanny. And what the hell am I going to say if someone asks me, “Are you looking for more hours?” I’m almost scared to think of what my response will be. Because it’s one thing to have an adult mistake you as not being the mother based on your race, but it’s another thing when they approach you in front of your child and do it. It’s cruel. I think Blades’ suggestion to ask them a follow up question, “why do you think that?” is the best kind of come back because beating the b*tch with your diaper bag in front of your crying toddler will only get you arrested.

Alright ladies. Today’s the day. You have to file those taxes or an extension (until Oct. 15). Don’t end up like me three years ago surfing for post offices at 10 p.m. I found one in Far North Dallas that had two lines of traffic going in and out. There are perks for you late filers. Major chains are rewarding your procrastination including IHOP and Boston Market. Check out the giveaway list here. And here’s a list of Dallas area post offices open this evening for late filers. The deadline in midnight. And Dallas Morning News business writer Pamela Yip has a list of last minute tips to get the most from your taxes (and hopefully refund) this year. I had H-E-L-L filing this year with my accountant. A confusing 401(k) rollover form resulted in days of phone calls to my former employer’s retirement management company (cough Fideli-hold on the line, we don’t get why your calling, it’s not our mistake, we’ll pull tape from three years before we change an error-y). Thankfully, my Edward Jones guy (an actual person) helped me out. I had to file an explanation and get audit coverage. Yuck! But my taxes are done, my refund (and I almost had to pay $$$ because of the paper error) is already spent. It’s kind of weird being on time, but I like it. Good luck. File now!

Me shooting a gun!

Get your guns girls! This weekend is the DIVA WOW  Spring clinic at Elm Fork shooting range in Dallas. The event is from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Saturday and cost is $50 per participant. The clinic will cover a variety of information including shot gun, rifle and handgun training. If you do not have your own gun, one will be provided for you. The day-long event will also include lunch and a whole lot of fun. If you haven’t heard about the DIVAS, or read about them on the blog, take the day and get to know some fun and funky ladies. DIVA WOW is the largest outdoor sport and gun enthusiast organization in the country. Founded in the Metroplex by some cuh-razy ladies, the all girl gun power group offers lessons, support and encouragement for women from women. And just so you know, you do not turn into some psycho Sarah Palin if you pick up a gun. Trust me. I know. While reporting, I banged out a few bullets from a Beretta and it was quite an experience that, yes, even liberals can enjoy!

The good Sisters of St. Mary of Namur western province have devoted their lives to serving others locally and around the world: from Rawanda to the Congo to Fort Worth on modest stipends as little as $40 a month and with no pension. These aging Sisters have done their duty. But they are in trouble. “We’re in a financial pickle,” Sister Joan told the Fort Worth Star Telegram. “Neither the dioceses nor the parishes in which they served are legally responsible for taking care of their aging and infirm members. So now, the sisters find themselves in desperate need of assistance for their retirement and medical essentials,” writes David Casstevens. If you don’t know the Sisters of St. Mary of Namur you may recognize the names of some of the school they helped found as “pioneers of Catholic education in North Texas” including: Nolan Catholic High School, the University of Dallas, or Our Lady of Victory Academy and College, the area’s first integrated school founded in 1910. At one point, the Sisters numbered 200 but now only 42 remain and their average age is 74. “Until recently, the Sisters of Saint Mary have always been self-supporting, relying primarily on tuition from students, stipends from parochial schools, music lessons, fundraising events, and donations. Now most Sisters are aging, but they serve a wide variety of ministries as they are able,” their web site reads. Many still serve in parish ministries including homeless outreach and teaching. There’s no set age for a nun’s retirement. “We don’t retire. We get retreaded,” Sister Louise told the Star Telegram. But with so many aging members finances are important writes Casstevens, “Religious orders could not participate in Social Security until federal law was changed in 1972. The average monthly benefit for the Sisters of St. Mary is about $250. All money they receive goes into a communal fund. A strategic financial plan, sponsored by the Amon G. Carter Foundation in 2006, revealed that the Sisters of St. Mary of Namur are operating at a deficit of more than $200,000 a year. And healthcare costs keep rising.”  But the nuns have faith that finances and former pupils will come through, “”We’re still around,” Sister St. John said, “but we cost money.” If you want to help contribute to the Sisters of St. Mary of Namur, call 817-923-8393 or you can donate online via Pay Pal as well.

LimbsforLife.org

When do good deeds override lies? That’s the question sponsors, officers, and amputee patients are asking themselves after the head of Limbs for Life Foundation  Craig Gavras publicly admitted he lied about why his leg was amputated. The Dallas Morning News confronted Gavras about claims that he lost his leg in a mob attack while as an officer for the Dallas Police Department. It’s not true. ”Over the past several years, many news outlets have reported I was injured while on duty as a Dallas police officer. This is not accurate. The story perpetuated because I did not correct those who reported it as fact. If anyone feels they were misled as a result of this, that was not my intent,” Gavras later stated on the Foundation’s web site only after he admitted toreporter Tanya Eiserer that he never tried to stop or correct the misinformation, “I don’t know why I would lie about something like that,” Gavras told Eiserer. “I feel stupid. I feel bad for my family, my staff, my board, my patients. I don’t want to see the foundation ruined.”

As executive director of the Oklahoma City-based foundation, Gavras was a vocal advocate for amputee patients. The Limbs for Life Foundation has helped thousands of amputees most recently patients in Haiti. So why would someone who is an amputee lie about how it happened? He did enter the Dallas Police Academy but six days in he stumbled and blew out his right knee that he previously injured playing intramural sports in college. Doctors later amputated his right leg just above the knee. Gavras admitted he wanted to sound more interesting, “An accident in the academy just didn’t sound glamorous,” he said. “I was talking to a guy and I said I got injured while I was in law enforcement. He said, ‘Well, did you get shot?’ I said, ‘No.’ Then I said, ‘I got beat by a group of people,’ he told The News.“It was a snowball effect,” Gavras said. “I felt wrong, but I didn’t know how to make it right. Once a lie snowballs, it’s very hard. How stupid can a person be in this day and age? It doesn’t take but three key strokes to figure out someone’s past.”

So I wonder if he’s sorry he lied or sorry he got caught by a reporter in his lies and was forced to publicly admit he lied to an audience at Dallas Trade Mart on Saturday at what was supposed to be a charity fundraising event. But support remains for Gavras. Jeanne Prejean at Sweet Charity wrote of Gavras’ public apology on Saturday, “I believe you’ll see that Craig set a good example on how people can rectify a past error. I can’t help but think that during his years with Limbs For Life, he has gained in knowledge and confidence to once again “overcome adversity and become a hero and inspiration” but this time for those who might have made a mistake in the past,” wrote Prejean who also concluded, “Yes, your lie will color your reputation, but Americans are a very forgiving people. If you immediately admit your mistake and walk the straight and narrow, they will eventually embrace you and give you a second chance. If you allow the lie to live and deny it’s being a lie, your betrayal will never be forgiven nor forgotten.”

But Gavras kept his lie going for some time and never admitted it until he had to. I don’t know how forgiving people can be. Lots of liars help people. And some people lie to help themselves like James Frey author of “A Million Little Pieces,” who was publicly lambasted on Oprah for being a liar. What makes Gavras any different then Frey or Bill Clinton or Johns Edwards?   I’m glad he admitted the truth but should he really stay the head of the foundation? I don’t think so.

Photo: Kelsey Timmerman

This is going to sound mean, but I don’t like to give money to homeless people.  I want to say that it’s the Christian thing to give money. That could be Jesus standing on the street corner with his pants unzipped, no underwear on and a “Need Money Bless You” sign. I want to say “do unto others” but I can’t. And in this week’s cover piece I describe incidences with my husband and students regarding the homeless in Dallas. In my defense, I rarely carry a lot of cash. And frankly, my personal financial situation is very tight. I don’t always have money to give to people and really don’t like giving when I know I’m being lied to or I suspect it. I especially get offended when my personal space is entered like at dinner or when someone I don’t know interrupts my day to beg for a $1 and gives me some trumped up story about a car breaking down, or a bus ticket or I missed my ride etc. I don’t think I’m a mean person. I’ll help change a tire (or find some dudes nearby to help). I’ll give a ride, directions and I donate regularly to charity. This Tuesday I’ll be making my usual Goodwill run where I donate and shop!

I’m not really sure what the answer is. But the begging and panhandling that I’ve experienced and the conversation with my students has made me even more aware of the continued and growing problem of homelessness in Dallas. I know I feel guilty when I don’t give and I lie to be left alone. I feel guilty when I pretend to be intent on changing the radio station in my car so I don’t have to stare at the guy with the sign on the street corner. But not giving a buck to the guy on the street doesn’t mean we aren’t obliged to still give in some capacity. Yes, ladies. We may clutch our Coach purses a little tighter and lie about the $20 bucks inside, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ever give. In this kind of economy, giving whatever you can as often as you can by any means you can is needed.  Below are the web sites for local organizations that help the homeless in our community: Metro Dallas Homeless Alliance, Union Gospel Mission of Dallas, Safe Haven Homes and Dallas Life.

Mommy and Me groups are popular meetup locations. For many moms (and a few dads), a support group help you vent concerns and learn or get advice from other mothers. But as one new mother atMomLogic found out, not all mammas are as accepting and helpful as you think, “In the first class, we went around the room introducing ourselves and shared what brought us to the group. Up first, I figured I might as well be honest — so I told the mom strangers that my husband and I weren’t getting along, the baby wasn’t sleeping, I’d had to stop breastfeeding and that I felt like the most unsexy person ever. One mom interrupted and said, “You’re not breastfeeding anymore? Ugh. WHY?” Another then said, “You’re going back to work? Already?” Yet another chimed in, laughing, “I hope you have childcare for your kid, ’cause you’re not going to get in a day-care around here, they’re full!” The new mom concluded this wasn’t the place for her, “Needless to say, no one else was really honest. It’s hard for me to believe you’re just in a class because you’re “bored at home,” or because you were just “looking for a social hour” or “something fun to do” — which is what most of them said. It’s hard to believe you’ve somehow squeezed into your skinny jeans again and your baby is happily sucking on your boob and sleeping through the night at just a few weeks old. It’s hard to hear that you and your husband have date-night once a week and that you have a night nurse watching over your baby so you can sleep.”

I hope not all Mommy and Me or Mother’s Day Out or any other group is like that. I’d be very discouraged as a woman and a mother if other people implied I wasn’t good enough. My mom never attended these groups. She did what other mothers and fathers back in the day–the 80s–did. She took us to a park or event and talked to parents. There weren’t play dates or scheduled get together times. We just went to a neighbor’s house and said, “Hey, is Sally home?” and that was it. I don’t know why it’s so complicated now with indoor gyms and play locations. What happened to monkey bars in the back yard and mud pies? I never had a scheduled play date, my mother was my “mommy and me” and I think I’m fine.

I’ve heard of this organization before but in case you’re in need of some safe sitting services you need to check this business out. SeekingSitters offers part time, one time and full time sitting services for families, companies and individuals. Yes, it’s for single moms, busy families or companies wanting to offer a sitting service for corporate events.  The company performs background checks, in person interviews with all of its sitters and previous sitting experience is required before workers are accepted. They’re also required to be CPR and first aid certified.  Locally, co-owners and moms Jennifer Calyer and Alexa Glaser help give parents piece of mind. Calyer told CBS 1 1 in a recent interview, “We use our own in house PI firm that goes out and actually calls and verifies, we’ll use court runners, we’ll use any method possible to get the most current data on each one of our applicants.” No, these sitters aren’t inviting their boyfriends over for a makeout session on your dime and they must bring age appropriate games to limit the amount of TV time kids are exposed to. Parents can even book a sitter over the Internet. There are multiple company and service locations across the country. And they’re hiring for those of you interested in making a little moola and offer franchise opportunities. Check out the site for pricing and availability.

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No one knows why 9-year-old Montana Lance committed suicide at Stewart’s Creek Elementary School in The Colony last Thursday. Montana was called to the front office for back-talking a substitute teacher. Instead, he locked himself in the nurse’s bathroom where he used a belt to hang himself . To say it was shocking is an understatement. It was horrific.  Montana spent two weeks in alternative school prior to the incident after being caught with a multipurpose tool that included a pocket knife at school. Robby Wright, a family friend, told Dallas Morning News Columnist  Jacquielynn Floyd that Montana had a difficult time at the alternative school. “Wright said, however, that Montana was upset over rules that barred him from wearing a favorite jacket, which had a camouflage pattern, while attending the alternative school. His parents met with school authorities to discuss his behavioral problems during that period.” Montana was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder but it’s not clear if he was taking medication for the disorder.

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  ”You know, kids would say, ‘Montana gets on my nerves, but I really like him,’ ” Wright told Floyd. ”He didn’t like it when people were unhappy. He wouldn’t let anybody be sad around him.” Which is why it’s hard to imagine why a little boy full of joy would do something that has brought his parents and community and school such grief. Montana’s parents, Jason and Deborah, buried their son on Wednesday in the same vault where another infant son, Maverick, was buried five years ago. Thankfully, their church has stepped forward providing both physical necessities and emotional partnerships. Church members have taken it upon themselves to mentor and look after a single family member: mom, dad and Lance’s younger brother,4, shown in the yellow collared shirt. I can’t imagine the grief everyone involved in this case must feel. But I certainly hope no one assigns blame to the parents or the child. It’s a tragedy and one we can only hope none of us ever experience. A memorial fund and Facebook group has been established for the family to help pay for funeral and medical expenses. The church is also planning a silent auction and benefit. They are looking to local businesses for in-kind donations.
Donate to the family:
Please make checks payable to: Horizons Church
In the memo line, write: Montana Lance Memorial Fund
The account number is 3037097346
Drop off points:
1. Horizons Church Ministry Center @ 5313 S. Colony Blvd., The Colony, TX (next to Larry’s Restaurant)
2. Any Wells Fargo Bank location

HELP! I don’t know if it was a month of fasting and not working out enough, but I’ve put on some weight and want it off! I know it’s a sin to talk about weight on girl blogs, but dammit this isn’t just a whiny woman complaint. I am feeling majorly worried. I’m getting older, the metabolism is slowing down and darn it this little tire on the lower half of my tummy is getting larger. I’ve found a couple of articles on how to lose 10 pounds, but I’m worried that the first pounds will just be water and not the fat I’d like to see gone–and stay gone. So, how do YOU lose 10 pounds? What are ways you work out that accommodate a busy lifestyle? What are you eating (or not eating?) I don’t want to starve myself, but I know the steak, baked potato and Caesar salad I had for dinner (the doughnut holes for breakfast) and leftover spaghetti for lunch was probably way too much. I know. I think having a large TV in my office space isn’t helping either. I want to be healthier, and I know that a few bad days turns into bad weeks turns into bad years. Maybe I don’t have room to complain, but I don’t want to feel like I can’t have some sort of control over this. With a history of diabetes on both sides of my family, heart disease and obesity, it’s not just vanity talking here.

Breakdown: I have more time in the afternoons and evenings but am willing to take on a morning routine if it’ll help.
Likes: I used to like and compete in long distance running but shin splints and knee pain slowed my role. I like walking long distances and hiking. I also have a mountain bike and enjoy cycling. Some outdoor sports are OK too like softball. I’ve tried and like yoga and zumba.
Money: I really can’t afford a personal trainer at this point and don’t want to have to invest too much financially.
Gyms: I have a membership to a gym and access to a free gym.
Location: I’m located in a heavily urban but walker friendly area and have access to the Katy Trail and am not far from White Rock.
Eating:I vary from day to day. My biggest problem is not eating and suddenly hoarding a bunch of food at once. I’m not a big soft drinks person. I do like coffee and have one caffeinated beverage a day. I do cook at my house and do frequent the Farmer’s Market and incorporate fresh foods but weeks of stress or a major change in schedule make eating out easier. I’m not a fast food junky, but there was a two week stretch where I ate kolaches like every day. It was sad. That’s why I’ve stopped going to Dunkin Donuts for awhile.