In Yemen, much of my day to day life separated between men and women. I can’t walk out of the house without a conscious effort to cover exposed skin and even though I cover much, much less than most women here–Yemenis stop to take pictures with me like I’m a tourist attraction–there is always a separation. Girl’s nights are a special occasion in Dallas, bars advertise drink specials and there’s the infamous ladies nights. We are happy when we have a day or a “girls only” weekend. Now imagine that every day, most nights and every where you go. I’m surrounded by so much estrogen at times it’s as choking as the cigarettes everyone smokes. I miss men!! I miss having a guy in a room that says something stupid/sexist/idiotic/or pure male. I miss goofy things guys do like beer can pyramids. I miss ordering men around–get the milk, can you grab the napkins?, fix the grill its gone out again. And it’s not just that I miss my husband (which I do mucho) but I miss the presence of men as equals to me and as friends. Not the freaks I have to hide my hair from, or who can’t see me in a tank top and shorts, who can only catch glimpses of me behind pulled curtains on the floors women congregate together on. (There are non-family, non-married friend relationships between men and women here though but you have to be careful about just how friendly and how public you are.) Don’t get me wrong, I love the girl-time, but it’s suffocating at times. Always girls. Always girl talk. Always kids, marriage, relationships, clothes etc. I’m not saying men are more intellectual than women, but I miss a guy’s perspective on anything at this point. Hell, I’d give anything just to play a hand of poker with a dude. And to think, some men call me a man hater! But even here you meet Yemeni men and they are as hesitant to speak freely with me as I am with them. Men walk up and down the street holding hands here, arm in arm at times. It’s bizarre until you realize that they too spend enormous amounts of time with other men. Their relationships are as unisex as women. I understand the cultural and religious customs that separate men and women here, but I wonder if men might look at me (and treat me differently) if they knew women more as friends and people not veiled oddities they can catch only glimpses of.

I knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time. But yesterday it finally happened. My mom requested me as a friend on Facebook. She’s still pending so I have time to blog this (and delete if from my wall) before I get a phone call about why I haven’t accepted her yet. And she’s not the first family member. My mother-in-law requested me too and emailed a follow up asking me to accept her. What choice do I have? If I don’t, they both know I don’t want to be their “friend”. But they’re family so why do I have to be friends too? It’s not that I put up sexy photos of myself or stupid things, but I use my Facebook for my blog too and sometimes I talk about things on the blog that my conservative mother wouldn’t appreciate or I talk about my husband and I know my mother-in-law wouldn’t appreciate that either. So I’ve censored myself and censored what some can see. But doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of Facebook? Why can’t Facebook have a ‘family’ tab. Special posts that are family approved. I don’t mind my mom following me, but I know the rest of the family members are going to start requesting me too and I don’t want to be friends with half of my 3rd cousins I’ve never even met. And even as I write this I know family members who are my friends are going to ask themselves, “Is she talking about me?” No. I’m not talking about you (or am I? ) But Facebook puts you in a bind. You’re stuck accepting friends out of obligation  not want. I’m happy to chat at a family reunion, the occasional wedding or family gathering. But Facebook is my sanctuary. It’s my place. It’s where I can say things to friends I just don’t share with my family or my mom. And now I’m losing my special place. And it sucks. So my Facebook page is getting an overhaul. I’m going to tighten privacy even more and re-evaluate those people on my Friends list. Because I just don’t want to start family drama over a Facebook post. (Which has already  happened to one family member!) If you are in my place, I feel your pain.

A male Facebook friend asks why his female friends feel the need to post their child’s sonogram picture or worse make it their profile pic. The 3-D ones are especially gross to look at he said. And he raises an interesting point. What happens if, God forbid, they lose that child through a miscarriage? Then as an FB friend your stuck with weeks of sad and depressing posts. It’s a touchy subject. I have female FB friends who post their child’s sonogram photo because they’re excited. And why shouldn’t they be? Who doesn’t print off that sonogram pic and post in on their refrigerator and show their friends? I don’t think it’s wrong to do it. But as a woman, I never considered what it would be like to be the person on the other side of the screen stuck looking at a fuzzy squid-like image week after week.  

But as a Facebook friend, you’re often suck with the uncomfortableness of the Internet wall post. Lots of people use Facebook for inappropriate statements, share to much information or consider Facebook an open diary. I routinely skip posts by FB acquaintances who post about a death in the family–one is still mourning online a year later. I don’t blame them. I just don’t like to get depressed. And at least Facebook allows you to hide people. You can’t do that in real life! Unfortunately for my male FB friend, asking a female friend not to post her sonogram pic will bring down all the fires from hell. Never do it. Yes, it’s irriatating sometimes when those 200 + friends think of you as their best buds and share every kick, squirt, and gooey part of their pregnancy because they are fascinated with it, but I would suggest a bit of  Facebook revenge. Post pics of your worst bruise, that nasty fall from your mountain bike, a colonoscopy with a polite and pointed update, “Look at this baby!” They’ll hide you and the baby pic hell will be done!

I love this headline, “Cristal Taylor would rather be married to Dirk Nowitzki than in prison.” Apparently Dirk’s ex gave an interview to Inside Edition and told the reporter she should have been a newlywed at this time, not a convict. “Taylor tells Inside Edition that she still loves Nowitzki “very, very much.” Had she not been arrested last spring, after Nowitzki learned about her checkered past, they’d be newlyweds by now, she said. “I had already picked out my wedding dress and the shoes and everything.” But today, instead of sharing a Strait Lane mansion with the big forward, she shares a Missouri prison cell with three other women,” the Dallas Morning News Crime Blog reports. But given a choice wouldn’t we all rather be married to a basketball superstar millionaire than share a jail cell with Thelma and Louise? Cristal is the prime example of how bad a bad girlfriend/fiance can get. Lies, jail record, pregnancy scare etc. In Dirk’s case, friends and the Mavericks staff raised question about her background.  And he took their advice and looked into the situation and discovered her lies. But should you do that in real life? Should you open your mouth when you think a friend is in a bad relationship or you know their partner has a past? Maybe you know first hand what they’ve done or you have a suspicion. Are you being a “bad friend” if you say nothing and then everything comes crashing down? He steals her wallet, ruins her credit etc. Or is it worse to say something and ruin what could have been a great relationship because you didn’t like the partner? It’s complicated. Very complicated.

My husband and I are happily married today but we went through a rough patch a few years ago. It’s a long story but it involved  my now mother-in-law. Needless to say we got advice from all sides. Break up. Take a break. How can you put up with him? There are other guys! etc. etc. He got the same advice and “observations” about me. If we had listened to them, we would not be married. I’m very thankful I heard what people said, and at the time I wanted some advice, but I am more grateful I did not listen or take their suggestions. And when a good friend was recently considering divorce, I was very careful. Did I think she should divorce? Hell yeah! But as a friend it wasn’t my place to tell her what I think she should do about her marriage though she asked me again and again. I simply asked her what she wanted in life, from marriage, from him. And then I asked her if he was fulfilling any of that? No, she said. Well, I told her,  you may have your answer.  Then I encouraged her to think about it, to be strong, that she could survive without him and she’s now doing better than I ever imagined. I don’t think I gave “good advice”, I just didn’t give her “my advice.” I asked questions, redirected the thoughts, reflected back the doubts she raised, and let her make the decision and supported that decision. Now, if you know your friend is dating a sex offender and she has a child in the house, you may want to say something but she (and I know situations where this happens) may not care to listen.

I don’t like to give or get advice too much. If you want my opinion, I’m likely to shy away from outright ‘this is what you should do” statements. I’d rather comment on your train of thought or give suggestions that always end with, “but this is your decision and I’m sure you’ll do the right thing and if not, I have a fast car and a bottle of booze in the back.” Look, advice is not something everyone wants to hear. And if your friend is in a craptastic relationship, she’s in it not you. If you’re concerened, you have the right to tell her that or to say, “I wish he treated you better or I don’t like to see you like this because of what he did, I want better for you.” And as good friends you should also know when to listen to someone even if you don’t agree with what they say. They’re saying it (hopefully) because they love you. But being a good friend means knowing when to speak, listen and shut up!