Last night at the Lovely Ladies Lounge event at Trece, I sat down with a table of fabulous women and learned a new term: puma. I talked about an upcoming research project on Cougar lairs in Dallas/Fort Worth and the women in the group–one who dated a much younger man–told me about Pumas. Puma’s are women over the age of 30 dating younger men. Turns out there’s a whole set of definitions defining the dating woman. Women over the age of 25 and not yet ”in their 30s” dating younger men are considered cougar cubs and women over the age of 40 are Cougars a term that, ”describes women in their forties who smoke, drink and go to clubs to pick up young men in their twenties. Cougars are usually divorced, sometimes with cubs, and financially independent.,” says Cougardate.com. “The most successful cougars are those that married well and got huge divorce settlements. Lesser Cougars were feminists who clawed their way to the top and made their own money. They have charge cards and big bank accounts, often living off second mortgages and money lending. They own cars but use them sparingly because of their concern for the environment.” Women over the age of 50 pursuing younger men are called jaguars. The feline phraseology has caught on else where: a Cougar Cruise promise love on the open seas, suggested Puma plane rides (mile high club membership included?), an upcoming series with Courtney Cox called Cougar Town (heard it’s crap) and Jennifer Aniston is in a movie called Puma. Whew! Since when did dating women become so complicated and labeled? My friend, an over 30s woman, said she hates being labeled but she’d rather be a Cougar than an old slut! Why aren’t women just women? Why do we have to either be docile and petable creatures (kittens and cubs) and then as we get older (wiser, richer, better) we become prowler hags out to get men? What is with all the pussy control! So I’ve decided to label men who date younger women: Monkeys, over 25 underemployed and not yet 30 horny bastards looking for easy sex; Apes, into their 30s and not yet 40s employed horny bastards with 401 (k)s looking for easy sex; Chimps, in their 40s divorced horny bastards with a kid or two looking for easy sex; Gorillas, over 50, old, rich Viagrified horny bastards looking (to pay) for easy sex. See. Labels hurt!